It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Sunday, February 28, 2010
withers away @ 11:42 pm

后悔。内疚。内疚一开始没有内疚。看到那眼神,听到那哽咽,我以为,不是我以为。那种意想不到的成熟语调使人惭愧,隐藏的真正目的却又耐人寻味。真实与否,决定坚持己见。
我只能说,技术高明。但是!老娘开始招摇撞骗的时候,你可能还在喝奶。你要知道,一山还有一山高,被人家摆了一道还傻乎乎的。
玩火的人终究会被火烧死。趁还没烧死自己烧死别人之前就要收手,而且要收得一干二净,不留一点后路。
女人的第六感很准,小孩的洞悉能力也很强。听到他一直叫妈妈,比平时还要粘她,仿佛知道快要发生什么事了。我不知道她怎样,只是他每叫一声妈妈我心就痛一下。天真的小孩子不会骗人,那眼神真的令人很心疼。有股冲动想拿他回来养,当他干妈算了。
外一篇。有表哥真好!很体贴很会照顾人哦。只是哥,虽然你连抽烟都很替人着想,但是不要抽烟好不?(不可能的任务)
现在,我觉得一有机会就要抓紧,因为我真的很害怕,没有机会的那一天越来越近了。有些我想做的事情不在我的掌控范围之内,但这个,应该可以。

It's something Mystical

Sunday, February 21, 2010
withers away @ 12:17 pm

i like myself to be competent. so when i'm not and things go off-course, i get angry at myself.
relax, i didnt really screw anything. its random.
in a horrendously bad mood. interactions with people spell doom. good luck to u guys later.
on a totally different note, i think its time to clear some old overdue debt.


27122009 2145
dad just grabbed a mango plant from dunno which house in jb. to bring back to grandma's place to plant. in the ground. it's right in front of me now, with its pot in my leg space and its branches and leaves touching the roof of the car alr. guess what, i started looking at the plant like a biologist omg. like whether it's stipulate, arrangement of leaves, nodes etc.

28122009 1045
so we woke the whole house up at 1+am. wouldnt be so late if dad didnt miss the turn and overshot. it was too dark to see anythg with him driving at 100+kmh on avg without street lights.
so when we arrived at 三姨's place it was 2? i think we're smart to be able to recognize the correct lorong in that darkness, consider how often (or not) we come back here.
saw the photos frm tw. v pretty. v happy. lets see how it goes from here.
comes as a wind, goes as a wind. that's how i wanted it to be. and that's how it is.
when we went to bed it was 3+am. gosh. all of us couldnt wake up. but it was so endearing to see 启仲 burst into the room and call “阿姨!”oh so cute. apparently he was waiting for us last time and was whining to his ah ma why 爷爷 (that's what he calls my dad) is not here yet. when the reply was that we'd only arrive after midnight, he went huhhhh. of coz he went to bed before we came.
today we brought him along to eat brunch. 看着他吃酿豆腐吃得满嘴辣椒,又猛灌100号的样子,你真的会想,怎么会有这么一个讨人怜爱的孩子?
oh yah we v randomly passed by the shop my 小姨丈 works in. so we stopped by the roadside to say hi. hehe.
otw to genting now anyway.

1723
we're just done with touring ard genting. casinos the main point why we came here in the first place. besides, the weather's great at ard 20deg. the carpark sux though.
we never stopped at a baccarat table long enough for me to uds the game properly. slot machines are. well, what i see is just people randomly pressing buttons. sorry i v noob i know. the others are pretty much ok though. was trying to explain to mum how poker works.
we had a hard time coming up the mountain in our auto car though. in order to maintain the power of the car, dad was making turns at 60kmh and drove up to 80kmh at times. btw speed limit's 50kmh.
visited a temple midway up gentings. view's great from there. love looking down from high up. took pretty a lot of pics there and none at gentings itself.
halfway down, saw a road sign which told drivers to check their brakes if they're working. abit late huh. HA.

1750
now the car has probs again. this car just can't go up mountains huh. dad discovered a prob with the brake. of all things. we're going downhill ok. that's the last thing that can spoil. i tell u, i really cannot say anything. 我的臭嘴还是很灵的。
ok the brake and tyres overheated. so we wait.

29122009 0000
we finally checked into a hotel in perak, ipoh. after entering and looking at rooms of at least 7 hotels. i feel so filthy now i dun even wanna sit on the bed.
i was slping most of the trip frm gentings to ipoh. we had v nice and cheap prata for dinner. 80cen for prata kosong! and its a v big one. dad contemplated going to cameron highlands straight since we're bypassing it at the expressway but both mum and i were against the idea. it was at night and we all know how great the lighting is over here and how great the car runs on highlands. so no.
cant wait to bathe.

1323
we just finished shopping ard some random shopping centre in perak. we had a really nice lunch (though dad didnt like it) of 芽菜鸡. but actually the 芽菜 and 鸡 are separate. 那甘邦鸡可说是一点肥油都没有,根本不必沾辣椒就很好吃。那豆芽菜的肥美饱实是新加坡找不到的。上面撒了胡椒粉,我还以为会辣,但它一点也不辣,反而很香。
after brunch we went walking ard randomly. saw a charcoal store. yes, the store's really black. had v nice and cheap soy beancurd too. just by the roadside. anw i was spotting my Ficus religiosa everywhere i go. gosh, i can never look at plants the same way again.

1430
ok it takes longer to go up cameron highlands. throughout the way i'll be like (to myself of coz) "omg that's primary forest!" or see some random sudden clearing and go "oh it's a treefall gap" of coz they've got great terraces too. i keep seeing random populations of orchids too. can't stop thinking ecology. shoots.

2030
hoho we just had v cheap dinner. came down from cameron highlands via the old route. so it was even more winding than gentings and longer too. dad's still driving quite fast, esp when it's getting dark alr and u dun want to be on winding roads like this. mum was screaming away. had to stop her from screaming. i didnt have my seatbelt fastened, so i was kinda swerving ard at the back. we bought loads of fresh veggies. fresh from the soil coz we cut them from the ground. saw many many flowers too. yoohoo~

30122009 0950
going for breakfast now before leaving for sg. what a random trip lala.


14022010 0830
was awoken after a 4hr slp. v tired. stomach's not in good conditions. but we can only have malay/indian food. or fast food for the matter of fact. we eat the worst stuff when it's cny, ironically.
ok i cant think now. better slp. and i forgot my specs case. idiot.

1156
just had a so-so but expensive lunch of tim sum at muar. it was RM13 for a few plates of stuff, otah and 2 drinks. but well, its cny. not many shops are open. we had a hard timing finding a place to eat i tell u. and of coz they up the price during cny.
but mum saw smth disgusting omg. we went to the toilet and mum came out first (toilet area was the dishwashing area and so it was horrendously wet and dirty) she saw the guy clearing our table, thinking we've already left. there was this bowl of 凤爪 that we didnt finish. mum saw the guy put the bowl back into the steamer. omg!
anyway, the weather's ridiculously hot. the worst thing is, the sun's shining into the car frm the rear, and the aircon doesnt reach the back seats. i couldnt slp properly coz i kept waking up to find myself roasted in the sun and drenched in sweat.

15022010 1045
like how it's always relaxing over here. with chickens clucking away outside. and the cat just gave birth to 4 kittens. first time seeing newborns! nice to see certain cousins grow up and mature. of coz there're those we never do.
spent alot of ytd slping. its so bad i sweat even though the fan's blowing at me. the tap water we use to bathe is suddenly not cold anymore.
last night, my family along with 三姨's and other random cousins went to some random shopping centre. 启仲was cute as ever, though he's still as mischievous and spoilt.
oh yah, guess what i bought? a bunch of red pens. i know i'm pathetic. enough said. (but they're cheap! *gets dragged away*)
the forever oh so irritating guy couldnt stop disturbing us as usual.
那是一种挑战,一种刺激。well, 我同意。
den we went for supper. it was more prata and otah. by the time we're home, it's alr 12. well well.

1200
just had v nice kolok mee (duck noodles). can't find anything like this back in sg. my ah ma's 卤鸭 is one-of-a-kind also. no other duck can beat this duck. u have no idea how the entire extended family loves and snatches this duck.

16022010 1543
just had lunch. its freaking hot again today. dad has scooted off in his car long ago. bet he couldnt stand the heat.
we ended up slping really late last night coz supper only came back at 1+am. meanwhile we were having fun talking to david via skype. he's terribly surprised at how big our family is. celebrated 契爷's birthday last night too. with a cake. of coz there's always loads of firecrackers and fireworks and what have you. yah yah we set them off ourselves. or look at our neighbours'. its all so dark so v pretty. the only things blocking your view are coconut trees.
was out the whole of ytd afternoon to go shop ard. didnt get anything though we wanted to get cheap work clothes. too tough to get stuff that looks nice on me. fail.
the funniest part came when we couldnt find dad in one of the malls. never happens and we never have to contact each other or say beforehand as to where to meet. but we never do cannot find each other. my stupid mouth again, to comment on the PA announcement about a missing boy at the info counter. that's why it happened i tell u. info counter couldnt help us. we found him ourselves in the end anyway. end of drama.

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, February 17, 2010
withers away @ 11:42 pm

dust to dust. ashes to ashes. nothing, but ashes. to the secret place i go, to meet you. and we shall talk, in silence.

It's something Mystical